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Adult survivors of murder-suicide loss often experience a combination of traumatic grief, shock, guilt, anger, anxiety, and unanswered questions after a murder-suicide. While every person's experience is different, there are resources and support available to help you navigate this difficult journey.
Healing after murder-suicide loss is not about "moving on." It is about learning to carry your loss while rebuilding your life one day at a time.
Adult Resources for Murder-Suicide Survivors
The death of a loved one through murder-suicide can leave adult survivors facing overwhelming grief, trauma, unanswered questions, and life-changing challenges. MSL Network has gathered trusted resources to help adults navigate healing, find emotional support, access professional care, and connect with others who understand this unique experience. Whether your loss is recent or years in the past, you are not alone.
Understanding Murder-Suicide Grief
Murder-Suicide loss survivors often suffer from traumatic aka complicated grief.
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Complicated grief from a tragedy or sudden event can rewire the brain's stress response leaving survivors in shock, with survivor's guilt, and feeling unsafe. A survivor may experience insomnia, physical pain, memory issues, anger or confusion. This can lead to prolonged grief where the natural grieving process stalls and can last 6-12 months or longer.
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Survivors may have complicated feelings about the people they lost, due to the homicide that occurred before the suicide. This is normal! We might be angry at the person who killed someone else, but we should try to remember them as a whole person, not just someone whose final act was murder. Survivors might feel shame, confusion, shock, or anger toward the person they loved, and this can be exacerbated by news outlets reporting on the crime or people commenting on the internet.
What is Traumatic Grief?
- Traumatic grief is the intersection/overlap of trauma and grief. When a traumatic event occurs at the same time as a loss a survivor might have a harder time coping than grief that occurs as part of any loss. Grieving a loss like murder-suicide, because it is both sudden and violent, is difficult because survivor's nervous systems have gone into overdrive in order to protect itself or as if the death experience is about to happen to them.
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- Trauma is an event that causes a survivor significant psychological distress, which impacts their sense of safety.
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- Grief is the emotional or physiological response a survivor has after experiencing loss.
- This graphic from bluenotepsychotherapy.com shows us a beautiful representation of trauma, grief, and their overlap.
Caring for Your Mental Health
A survivor may experience:
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Depression
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Anxiety
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PTSD
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Complicated grief
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Survivor's guilt
Finding Professional Support
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Psychology Today's Find a Therapist tool
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Survivors may find Complicated Grief Treatment (CGT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to be helpful.
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- For peer-support join our Online Support Groups
- Survivors may find support groups to be validating. It is a space to share our feelings, which can include profound isolation, without fear of judgement.
Practical Resources
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financial assistance
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victim services
Healing at Your Own Pace
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self-care
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journaling
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support systems
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anniversaries
External Educational Resources
CDC National HIV and AIDS Hotline
(800) 232-4636
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Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
(800) 422-4453
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Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741
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Disaster Distress Helpline Online Peer Support Communities
Disaster Distress Helpline Videophone for American Sign Language Users (PDF, 180KB)
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Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio
(888) 628-9454
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National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799-7233
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National Grad Crisis Line
(877) 472-3457
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National Sexual Assault Hotline
(800) 656-4673
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National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
988
Chat online
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National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (options for deaf and hard of hearing)
For TTY Users: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 988
Chat online
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SAgE’s Farmer Support Hotline
833-381-SAGE
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Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline
(800) 662-4357
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Veterans Crisis Line
988, then PRESS 1
Text 838255
Chat online
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National Maternal Health Hotline
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Crisis Hotlines
What to expect in the first 30 days after a loss
- The police and local victim services may reach out to you, or you might find it helpful to reach out to them for support or answers. Often, after a murder-suicide, police cases are closed quickly, and with no investigation, because there is no court trial. Sometimes survivors are left with no closure, no answers, to their questions about why or how this happened.
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- If your case involves ongoing legal proceedings, stay in touch with the local victim advocates to stay updated.
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- Funeral arrangements will need to be decided on. Some survivors want to have a service in private for their loved ones. Some survivors do not want funeral homes to post public obituaries or allow comments to be left online.
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- Once death certificates have been issued, some survivors find it healing to close or memorialize their loved one(s) Facebook page(s).
- Contact your loved one(s) insurance providers
- Review the estate plan for your loved one(s), also known as a will.
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Returning to work after traumatic loss
- Many survivors find it difficult to return to work in the days, weeks, or months after a murder-suicide. Others find themselves drawn to work to help them with their many feelings after a traumatic loss.
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-Whatever you feel like doing is ok! Surviving and taking care of yourself is important, and a survivor can do that however it works for them.
Managing anniversaries, milestones, and holidays
- Many people find anniversaries (loss date), milestones (birth date, special occasions) and holidays hard to manage without their loved one(s).
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- Some survivors take solace in remembering their loved one(s) on these days and some can no longer celebrate milestones without them.
Talking with family and friends about your grief
- It can be difficult to share the story of loss with friends, family, and community.
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- When speaking with children about this topic, see our Adolescent Resource page for some helpful information on how to speak to children at their age level and techniques to help them feel safe.
Building a support network
- Therapists, friends, family, and other survivors can all be a part of a healthy support network.
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- Intentionally surround yourself with trusted people who can share perspectives with you and offer emotional reassurance.
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- You might also need support with practical things, like childcare, taking care of a home, or managing tasks like groceries.
When to seek professional help
- We encourage all survivors to seek professional support. Visit Psychology Today's Find a Therapist tool. We recommend finding a therapist with knowledge about grief and trauma-informed care.
Support Survivors
We are raising funds to support survivors in our community. If you are looking to support our community, please give generously to our fund so that we can help survivors find and receive professional support!
Support Organizations & Programs
The Center for Complicated Grief
is dedicated to improving the lives of people suffering from complicated grief by helping clinicians and the general public learn how to recognize complicated grief.
https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/complicated-grief public/overview/
https://www.facebook.com/CenterforCG
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Parents of Murdered Children
Support for families who have lost their children to violence
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David Kessler's FREE Suicide Loss Support Series
In this free course, David Kessler compassionately leads you through this heart-breaking grief to help find peace and remember with more love than pain.
https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/suicide-loss-support
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If you live in the state of Georgia
The Georgia Commission on Family Violence offers state-funded
Support for Survivors of Domestic Violence Murder-Suicide
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Living with Traumatic Grief: 3 Questions to Guide Your Grief
FREE webinar hosted by From Grief To Growth and Dr. Jennifer R. Levin.
https://fromgrieftogrowth.mykajabi.com/living-with-traumatic-grief-webinar-replay
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Print Resources
The Untold Stories of Murder Suicide - By Annemarie Matulis (Featuring board member Mitch Maryanov)
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Love Behind The Camera - La Toya Bond
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Please Pass the Love - La Toya Bond
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Speaking of Love: A Suicide Loss Survivor's Guide of Hope, Healing, And Love - La Toya Bond
Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide - By Gary Roe
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American Roulette: Murder-Suicide in the United States (6th edition) (June 2018)
Healing: Our Tragedy of Suicide-Murder - By Marcia Epstein, LMSW Blue Hour
Haiku and Photographs - By Amory Hayden Tarr (Edited By Kathy Allen)
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Breaking the Silence as a Survivor of Murder-Suicide Loss - By Brittany Noble McCarthy.
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Death by Murder or Homicide - http://www.griefspeaks.com/id82.html
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Do They Have Bad Days in Heaven? Surviving the Suicide Loss of a Sibling - By Michelle Linn-Gust
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Domestic Murder-Suicide: A Compound Tragedy - By Tony Salvatore, M.A. Faith & Grief Podcast
Episode #22 with Murder-Suicide Loss Survivor, Sara Cobb The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide - By Magdaline DeSousa The Gift of Second - By Brandy Lidbeck
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Grief After a Murder - By David Kessler
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Murder-Suicide and the Meaning of Mercy - By Kevin Dowd
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The Perversion of Virtue: Understanding Murder-Suicide - By Thomas Joiner The Private Grief Of A Public Death - Grief Out Loud Podcast
Ripples of Pain From My Brother’s Murder/Suicide 22 Years Ago - By Tony Wade Sibling Suicide: The Journey From Despair to Hope - By Nathan S. Wagner
Still With Us: Voices of Sibling Suicide Loss Survivors - By Lena M. Q. Heilmann
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The Sudden Loss Survival Guide: Seven Essential Practices For Healing Grief - By Chelsea Hanson
Surviving a Murder-Suicide - Interview with Tanya Brancalion Jarosz
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Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One: A Companion Guide to 'Life After Suicide Loss: Finding Courage, Comfort & Community After Unthinkable Loss' By Jennifer Ashton
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Why People Die By Suicide - By Thomas Joiner
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Years After Her Parents' Murder-Suicide, Musician Allison Moorer Finds Healing – By Terry Gross
Audio Resources
Grief Refuge Podcast with Murder-Suicide Loss Survivor, Sara Cobb
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Hope Illuminated Podcast with Dr. Sally Spencer-Thomas - Your source for the stories, science, and strategy of suicide prevention, mental health promotion, and resilience where we live, learn and work.
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How a Suicide Support Group Helped Me After My Brother's Death - By Karen Peloquin
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I'm Finally Ready to Talk About How My Parents Died – By Anonymous Daughter (Murder-Suicide Loss)
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The Irreverent Grief Guide: How to F*cking Survive Months 1-3 - By Elizabeth Kupferman
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Let's (NOT) Talk About It Podcast - Season 2, Episode 6, Left Behind: A Story of Murder-Suicide
Life After Suicide Podcast with Dr. Jennifer Ashton, draws from her own experience to explore the aftermath of suicide & sudden loss. The podcast is a roadmap to survival, offering inspiring insight on how to get back to life.
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Life After Suicide: Finding Courage, Comfort, and Community After Unthinkable Loss - By Jennifer Ashton, MD
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Living With the Grief of Murder-Suicide - By Jane Facazkarley
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Video Resources
Conscious Grief Series 2, Hosted by Tara Nash, with Sara Cobb - https://youtu.be/VbiSebIR3PI
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My Son was a Columbine Shooter. This Is My Story : Sue Klebold - https://youtu.be/KFY_ggQDO9A
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Singer Allison Moorer's memoir "Blood," On the Legacy of Her Parents' Murder-Suicide - https://youtu.be/Qd92hs0DnRA
Online Resources
My Grief Connection
Created by one of MSLN's founders.
The site offers a plethora of resources for those dealing with grief
https://www.mygriefconnection.org/
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American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Here is their link for Homicide-Followed-By-Suicide and includes a video with the mother of a perpetrator
https://afsp.org/homicide-followed-by-suicide/
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