I Have A Lot Of Love In My Heart For People - Murder Suicide Healing Survivors

Murder suicide is the kind of tragedy that leaves all of us asking why. That's what we're figuring out by talking to the people who've lived through it unlike the often-sensational coverage of True Crime in the media the aim of our podcast is to give our viewers and our listeners an up close and personal accurate account of murder suicide the risk factors the personal experience and the aftermath on our podcast the real expert is a person who's lived through it, the Survivor.

In our fourth episode, premiering April 22, Joni Johnston, a forensic psychologist and private investigator, and Jacquelyn Jamason, a mental health professional, are our hosts. 

Episode 4 - La Toya brings us one of our new board members as she talks about the love she had for her father and how she shares that love through advocacy. After a murder suicide healing for survivors means learning to forgive ourselves and continue to love.

La Toya explores red flags and warning signs, and helps us understand how we might see them in loved ones early to help them get help. She discusses how being truthful about her father honors both her love for him, and honors his wife.

La Toya's Quotes from Episode 4:  

 My father was very ambitious, and he didn't let his life circumstances hold him back, and he always gave his whole heart everywhere he went, he took his whole heart with him. So not only was he successful, but he had a big heart, a huge personality, and people were… he was like a magnet to people. He would make the smallest man feel 6 feet tall. So he had a unique ability of making everybody feel like somebody special.

Yes, my father had a lot of struggles, even though he was very successful, he struggled behind closed doors with alcoholism, you know? He was a star in the public eye but behind closed doors he battled insecurities, he battled life circumstances. And his weapon of mass destruction was EJ, it's an alcoholic beverage. And it was something that he indulged in the pleasures of quite frequently, but he didn't allow that alcoholism to interfere with his work. He was kind of like, I don't know the correct term, but a person who can drink and have alcohol but still be very successful? Like a closet alcoholic, that's what he was. He lived a very productive life, but you would never know what was going on behind closed doors. So yeah, he suffered mentally in a lot of ways.

Joni: How aware were you, as a child growing up and seeing him, how aware were you of those things that were happening with him kind of behind closed doors?

La Toya: Well, when I was younger I didn't quite understand. There were times when he would make promises to pick me up and to take me somewhere, and he may not show up. Or he would show up and he would, you know, kind of just be in a different mood. So as I got older I started to realize that there was some alcohol abuse going on, there was something just not right. And then there were times as an adult, because I love to cook, so sometimes I would cook a meal, and drive it over to his place, and he would ask me if I could stop and get him a something to drink on the way there. So I knew it was going on and I knew that he had a lot of struggles. But I never thought that it would lead to him taking the life of someone precious and beautiful, and definitely not taking his own life.

He was never angry or aggressive towards me or anyone in our family, that I did not witness at all. But I wasn't with him 24 hours a day, so I don't know, there is a possibility. I know that there may have been some domestic violence in the marriage before he passed away. So I didn't witness anything like that but I'm not saying that it wasn't possible yeah.

You know, with suicide, specifically a murder-suicide, hindsight is always 2020. So I sit here today, and I think back about all the funny jokes, because my dad used a lot of humor to mask his pain. So he would often crack jokes. I would call him after a long day and say “Hey Dad, how was your day today?” and he would go “Oh I had a long day. I'm just looking for the bridge.” and I would say “Looking for the bridge? What do you mean?” He would say “Well because I'm ready to jump!” And we would laugh it off like a joke. But now I realized that there was a level of truth to the joke, to the sarcasm. He really wanted to jump. So now that I look back, I do realize that there were several warning signs and things that he had said to let me know that something was off. I just didn't recognize the signs at the time.  

My grandfather, which was my father's father, he was an alcoholic. He was very abusive to my grandmother. And because of this my dad never wanted to touch alcohol. Because my grandfather was a sanitation worker, so they would get up in the morning at 5:00 and they go out and they be on the trash truck. And by 6:00 in the morning everyone on the truck is drunk. So in the evenings, when my grandfather would come home, my dad, being a little boy, the youngest boy in the family, he witnessed his dad's behavior as an alcoholic. So he grew up and he kind of resented his father for that behavior. And he vowed to himself, my dad vowed to himself “I'm never going to drink alcohol. I'd never want to try. It destroyed my father. I don't want any part of it.”

However, at the age of 26 years old, my dad took his first drink. And from there, it turned his life around. And ultimately, alcohol was a factor the night of the murder-suicide.

Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I looked at my phone I had several missed calls. It was exploding with text messages from people on my father's side of the family. So in that moment I knew that it was something bad.... I knew it was about him. I didn't know, maybe he had suffered a stroke, maybe a heart attack. But never would I have imagined that it would be a murder-suicide. So I returned the call to one of my relatives and she just, she just told me. She says, “Your dad killed Liz and then killed himself.” And she said, “It's on the news.” and that's how I found out I turned on the news and…

You know, there's a funny story here. My dad, for a lot of years he wasn't able to drive because of the alcoholism, and the conviction- drunk driving and things of that nature. But he got himself together and he got himself a nice car. It was a gray Kia Soul. I'll never forget. He was so excited when he got the car, he called me over to his apartment, “I want you to come over and see my car!” He was a big guy, and he loved to crack jokes, and I went to see his vehicle. And on my way, leaving, he yells out the front door, and he goes “Hey don't hit my ride!” And so we laughed about it, you know, because of course I'm not going to hit his car. It was parked in the driveway. And so, the night of the tragedy, as I turn on the news, the outside of the residence was shown on the news, and in the driveway was that gray Kia Soul. So, and even to this day, four years later, when I see a gray Kia Soul on the road I think about my dad.

My first emotion [when I found out] was anger. I was angry because he killed his wife. Why would you take her? Why? You had just been married nine months. She was a beautiful person. She was in all four of your corners. She helped my dad. She moved my dad into her beautiful condominium, because at the time of their marriage my dad was living in a small apartment, she moved him into her art her beautiful condo. She was, I think, I believe, she was a hospice nurse, or something related to that it professionally, so just all the beautiful qualities that she possessed as a person. My first emotion was for her. I was angry that he did that to her. She didn't deserve it.

So I had a lot of emotions. My first emotion was anger. And some days I'm still angry with him for doing that to her. She was a mother, she was a grandmother, she had people who loved her. She loved to bake, she loved to cook, she was a beautiful gardener. Why her? The one person that loved you! And accepted you with all your flaws and your faults. Why would you do this to her?

So my first reaction was anger.

It's very complex because I can stand in front of an audience of people. I'm a keynote speaker on the topic of Suicide Prevention. So I stand in front of people and I talk about this wonderful person he was. My dad, he had all these great accolades behind his name, he was successful, but there's another part of that. And so, I never want to disrespect his wife. I never want to leave her out of this. So it's very complicated. It's hard for me to stand before you and talk to the two of you right now and tell you all these beautiful things about someone who ultimately murdered a beautiful person that didn't do anything wrong to him. She didn't rob him. She wasn't raping him. Why did you do this to her? So it's very complex, my trauma is very complex. Because I am an empath. I have a lot of love in my heart for people. And I love his wife. Like, I don't, I can't even imagine what hurt children have gone through. And her grandchildren. So the night of the tragedy two families suffered tremendous losses because this was just one day in the life of Herman McKalpain, my father, a 67-year-old man. This was just one day in his life. But I knew him for over 45 years. So it's hard. It's just, the only way I can describe it is it's very complicated. And it's hard.

I'm very limited in what I can say about my dad's wife. Because I, number one don't have permission from her family to divulge any more than what's already been made public. But she was a beautiful person. She loved my dad. She was in all four of his corners. She was a beautiful wife. They had only been married for 9 months, so they had a nice size wedding with lots of guests and people. And to have this happen so shortly after the wedding, it rock the whole the whole community, the family, the friends, the guests who were at the wedding. It was just a horrible time.

Yeah we're all devastated by it. We're all handling it differently. I think I'm the most vocal and the most public with my grief journey. But we are all tremendously broken by his loss. We really are.

I have a podcast that I created in honor of my dad and I interview people all around the world, different walks of life. I'm almost on my 150th episode and so, you know, being here with the two of you today, it feels totally different than the way it feels when I'm doing my own podcast. Like I mentioned to you earlier that I was feeling really stressed and, you know, worried about this interview, because I want to keep it together, I don't want to break down, I don't want to cry. And we were having a few technical difficulties, and I was over, I was shaking like a leaf on a tree. So the anxiety level, the nervousness, is it's a different feel when you're on this side of the microphone, I'll say.

Yeah and, people look at me and they think I'm such a veteran at this, and I've done all these talks, and I go and I've done the podcast, and I've been on the front page of the newspaper, and I've done a lot in honor of my dad. But that pain is still there. And that nervousness still comes up. And the fear, and the all the emotions that any other person would feel. Just because I'm doing this on a consistent, regular basis, it doesn't take away the human aspect of what I go through.

Well the past four years have been very life-changing, I'll say. So at first I was very angry with him for a few days, and then my anger went into shock, it was like I couldn't believe it. I wanted answers. I went on a quest to find out more about suicide and mental health. I've learned a lot, I've educated myself and in doing my podcast I've had psychologists come on, people who have lost other people to suicide. I've joined organizations, I've joined boards. I have really gone ten toes in to learn more about suicide, its causes, its effects, how this happened, why it happened. And in this journey I have discovered a lot about my dad that I didn't really see at the time. I realize now that his pain was much deeper than I could ever imagine. When we would make plans to do things and he wouldn't follow through or he would renege on a promise, I understand him better, now that he's gone, than I did during that time. Because there were times when I would be angry with him like, “We were supposed to go somewhere, you didn't show up?” Or “Why didn't you answer the call? I was coming over.” So now I have more compassion for my dad, which I wish I had this compassion for him when he was alive. Because now it's a little too late. He's not here. But I understand him better now. I understand his pain better now. I understand why he felt the way he felt. I understand where the mental health problems came from.

My ultimate mission is to save lives. And to make sure that no one else ever feels the pain that I felt of losing my dad. But my main goal in all of this, is to let people know that you could have a person in your life who can have all the success in the world, they could have a nice home, a nice car, beautiful wife, they could be intelligent, they could have a big heart, they could look just like someone, you know, and be struggling on the inside. And they could possibly take their own life. That's the one thing I want people to know. When you look at the picture of my dad, he's got on his favorite necklace, his white shirt, he's got a nice haircut, he's very intelligent, he's got lots of friends. My dad, when you would go to his apartment it was like a museum. He was a cameraman for Channel 7 News, what a great honor as a black man coming from the city of Detroit, impoverished neighborhood, to make it to the top of the success ladder. To be a college basketball star. When my dad was driving around town he wasn't driving in a regular car, he was driving a channel 7 vehicle clearly marked. So if this man could have all of these great things going for himself on the outside and turn around and kill his wife, and then take his own life, if that could do that, it could happen to someone, you know, maybe your friend, your next-door neighbor, maybe your uncle, maybe your cousin, anyone. So that's the one thing I want people to know: that it could happen to anyone.

If I could go back, my dad used a lot of humor to mask his pain. And I realized that humor came from a very dark place. Most people who struggle with mental health illnesses and depression are very comical, because they're masking the pain that they have inside. So if I could return, you know, reverse time, I would dig deep more into why my dad was so humorous. Where did all, why are you being so comical? Where is this coming from? I would ask more questions. I would be more patient with him. I took so much person, so many things personal, when he would stand me up, or when he didn't call me back, or when he would break plans. I personalized all of that, but really I realize it wasn't me. He was struggling. He was struggling with his own identity, his own crisis, his own self feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem. I didn't see that at the time and now that I recognize it, I would have tapped more into it with him, been more present for him. I wanted him present for me and for his granddaughter, my daughter, I wanted him to be there for, but I feel like I would be there for him more. And take him by the hand and have more compassion for him. Saying that you're looking for the bridge after a long day, that's a joke I never should have laughed at. Never.

I have a lot of guilt. I'm not going to lie, I have, I'm better, but I still have days when I feel so guilty, you know, I feel bad. Because there were times when we would make plans to go somewhere and he wouldn't show up, and I would be mad at him. And I wouldn't answer the call if he would call me back, like two or three days later. Because I knew it was going to be the “Oh La Toya, I'm sorry. Something came up.” I didn't want to hear that so I wouldn't answer the phone. And I feel bad about that. I really do. I feel guilty because I was his oldest. I should have been able to see this and stop him and help him. I wish I could have been there the night that this happened. Maybe things would have been different. I wish that he would have opened up to me about what was really going on instead of giving subtle jokes and throwing little hints. I just, I will live with the guilt probably for the rest of my life. But I know how to manage the guilt, you know? I have an outlet. The guilt is normal. I'm going to have it, but I know how to manage my guilt. And it comes up.

It's a lot to manage, the guilt. Like I said, with the guilt, the anger… I'm not really angry with him anymore. I just feel so, I don't want to say, “I'm sorry” or “I feel sorry for him.” But I understand his pain and I wish that I had been more compassionate towards him. I always loved on him, and brought him food, and hugged on him. And we had a love for music, we sing to each other. We had a great relationship. But I wish that it had been deeper. But I understand, through my therapy too, that it's really you can't be close to someone who has a drinking problem and alcoholic. It's really hard to get close to people like that, because they, themselves, have a shell, and a wall up to cover what, you know, what they're doing. So it was really complicated.

I never wanted to speak to anyone about [his alcohol use] because he handled it so well. So it wasn't a situation. Yeah like he handled his alcoholism very well. And he would tell, you know, “I'm going home and get me some Easy Jesus.” Which is what you call, in in the city of Detroit, you know, we that's what they call “Easy Jesus” that's the street name for his drink. So he would tell, you know, he “I'm going home to get me some Easy Jesus.” Everything was a joke. He was a very funny guy. He keep you in stitches. So I didn't really have a reason to want to consult with someone about my dad's drinking, because by all outward appearances he had it together yeah, you know?

Yeah, I mean, he would go to the meetings, and he would do his best. But alcohol was always a factor, if I could be honest. He… it was always a factor in his life. But he was very functional, and he lived his life. It was a situation where you would have to know him very, very intimately to know that he struggled in that way with alcohol.

 Well, the night that this happened, in my mind, this scenario has played out probably a million times in my mind, to be honest. I know that alcohol was a factor. And I know that he was probably angry, for whatever reason. And she was the target. And then he took his own life, which was really… he was really the target. He was, I believe that he was tired of living. He was struggling. And for whatever reason he was angry. And his anger mixed with alcohol was a recipe for disaster.

Because my dad, in spite of his flaws, he had a big heart. He loved his family. He loved helping people. If he knew that you were sad, he would do everything in his power to lift you up. I mean, he was he just had a unique gift about him. He could make the smallest man feel six feet tall. So, and knowing that this, if his life could help save other people he would definitely want that. That's the man that he was. And then, here's another part of that too, if I'm not honest then I'm not honoring his wife. And I never want to disrespect her or dishonor her in any way. Because she was a beautiful person. And the fact that she was 67 years old at the time of the murder. To live on this Earth for 67 years, to have children, to be a productive citizen in society, and to work alongside patients that are very sick. To be such a decorated woman. And to pass away at the hands of my father, it's just horrible.

 I would just like to share that if you have a loved one in your life, and you detect that they may be going through something, if they use a lot of humor to mask their pain, if they're pulling away from things that they would normally love… My father loved basketball. If you notice changes in your loved one, talk to them go to them with love don't go to them with your finger pointing wagging in their face to judge them. Talk to them. Lower your voice when you talk to them. Let them know you love them, you care about them. Get inside their mind. And just ask them “You haven't been yourself lately, I notice you've been sleeping more, I noticed that you've been shying away from things that you used to enjoy, are you thinking of killing yourself?” Just ask them. Don't be afraid to say the word. But just lower your voice when you're talking to them the worst thing you can do is judge them or criticize them in that moment.

Here's an example: “You're not thinking about killing yourself are you? You, come on you can't be that weak that man wasn't worth it. Are you serious? Come on.” Don't do that. Because if you do that you're pushing them further away from you. And what you want to do to someone who's feeling suicidal I always use my hands when I say this you want to draw them closer to you so that your bosom, so to speak, can be a safe haven for them to lay their head on your chest. To talk to you. To reveal what's going on. And if they reveal to you that they are contemplating suicide, your role is to guide them, by the hand, and take them to get the support and the help that they need. You're not necessarily the lifesaver or the magician, you're the magician assistant. You can't do anything without their willingness, so they have to be willing to get the help. and It's just like an oncologist, a doctor who specializes in cancer, he knows going into that profession, that he's going to lose some of his patients. And that's the same thing I've been taught that as an advocate for suicide prevention. I'm not going to be able to save every life. Because we all have a journey, and some of us, unfortunately, are going to die in that way. But I'm going to do my best to get you the help that you need so that you can stay around a little bit longer.